Person-first
I have ADHD, I am not ADHD. It does not define me, though some people think it does; nevertheless, I persisted.
Persevering and owning my ADHD
The crazy thing is, I never readily admitted that I had ADHD until I finished graduate school, unless someone had made their way into my inner circle. There is a preconceived notion about what ADHD means, who I am, what I am capable of, and so on. After all, I fought that battle my whole childhood and chose not to as an adult. I did not want to be known as ADHD Amanda, just as Amanda; I wanted people to know me before they knew that. Yet, I have persevered; now I’m writing blogs about it, have it published on my website, and I use my ADHD for good.
Impulsive stream of consciousness
Then I entered my first meeting as a post-doctoral fellow with a parent whose child was battling severe ADHD. Without thinking, the words came out of my mouth, “I have ADHD and as a kid, I…”. It was as though, out of nowhere, I impulsively verbalized my stream of consciousness, my thoughts about my own experiences with ADHD. The words were coming out of my mouth so fast there was no chance of me catching them. That parent cried in relief as the words flowed from my mouth, and I realized, it was okay. I had persisted through so much and was able to learn ADHD is my blessing, not my curse.
Yet deciding to be me
Then more meetings would happen and out those words, or some variation of them, would come. For example, “Do not worry, I have severe ADHD and school was my worst nightmare but I have ADHD and my doctorate, your child will be more than okay.” I did not, and do not, say that to every parent or coworker but I still cannot believe how much I say it or how many of my coworkers know. No one knew when I was on internship. My stimulant dose was the same as it is now but I expended significant energy to hide my “disability.” I started my post doctoral fellowship and had a new found sense of energy because I quit hiding. Instead, I started being myself.
School and persistence
School felt beyond hard for me when I compared myself to others. I struggled to read well and especially to comprehend what I read. Moreover, I read too fast and would struggle to recall details of the story. Today, I love to read things I find interesting but still struggle to stay focused at times, which can be challenging. Growing up, math was easier than reading but my work was messy. And my backpack? I am pretty sure a bomb went off in it on a regular basis. Every teacher commented on how friendly and social I was but that I needed to learn when not to talk (a lesson I am still learning).
Nevertheless, I persisted
It was an uphill battle at a time where teachers did not believe ADHD was real. But I made it, and with my PhD. Nevertheless, I persisted (I love that phrase, politics aside).
Strength and weakness
Among many of my struggles is that I live at the emotional extremes at times. I love harder than anyone I know. When you make it into my circle, I will be fiercely loyal and have your back; the closer you get, the stronger that is. My ADHD also fuels some anxiety. It is a vicious cycle. While I know my brain works differently than the majority, when someone close to me does something unexpected or even different than how I would do it, I sometimes wonder what I did. Then, I dwell on this and other things throughout the day and especially as I lay down to try to sleep. When I try to sleep, no matter what, my mind races even more.
Persisting and super powers
While ADHD brings some difficulty, it also provides me with gifts that not everyone has. ADHD makes me love and care harder than anyone I know. I would apologize to my close friends for that but I am working hard at not apologizing for my super powers (loving hard, caring hard, and being fiercely loyal).
Best thing
During my post-doctoral fellowship, I vividly remember calling my mother and saying ADHD was the best thing that ever happened to me. Her response was, “I was wondering when you would come to that realization.” If you had told me when I was 9 that I would make that statement, I would have said you had lost your mind. However, it is true, it is one of the best things I have ever had happen. Probably one of the best things that will ever happen to me, while also being one of my greatest struggles. There is way more to my story and that will come later, but that is a start. I have severe ADHD and I am happy to own that now.